(RNN) – Brace yourselves for the end of the world again. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.
This time, the culprit is the rogue planet Nibiru, aka Planet X, whose erratic orbit will bring it close enough to our planet to mess everything up totally and kill almost all the life, according to 187,000 websites that pop up if you Google “Nibiru December 2016.”
Nibiru, they say, is 10 times as big as Earth and has a long, skinny elliptical orbit that takes it way out yonder beyond Pluto. But once every several thousand years, it comes barreling back toward the sun and bounces through the solar system like a bull in a china shop.
The frenzy started last January when a couple of astronomy guys said they might have found a ninth planet about three times as far away as Pluto. They named it “Planet Nine,” displaying a complete lack of imagination. The alleged planet has never been directly observed and it has approximately zero things in common with the mythical Nibiru. But the Nibiru people went wild and lit up the web with claims of a global cover-up of its impending world-destroying arrival.
2016 is almost over, so the doomsayer buzz is reaching a crescendo, calling this December the zero hour for the mother of all cataclysms. The Nibiru prophets are batting a solid .000 so far, dating back to 2003, 2007, 2012 and last December, along with April, July, and September of this year.
But internet fear-mongers have a good feeling about the latest ETA, what with all this year’s earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, droughts, fires, volcanoes and assorted other signs of the apocalypse.
Snopes and NASA have dutifully updated their declarations that this is all a bunch of hooey with a clear tone of frustration. How many different ways can you say the pseudo-scientific claims of internet hoaxers lack any credible evidence? At all? There are no pictures of Nibiru, no astronomical data, no archaeological, geological or historical records indicating it exists.
But then you hear somebody like true believer Gordon James Gianninoto, who in a calm monotone paints vivid word pictures of a global calamity he’s spent his life announcing and around which he has constructed a sprawling mythology. You kind of want to believe. too. It’ll kill us all, but man is it going to be awesome.
Gordon says a line of mountains down the middle of the Atlantic Ocean from Iceland to Antarctica will start snapping like a whip when Nibiru’s gigantic gravity takes hold.
Nibiru will be on the sun side of Earth, he said, so while that side of Earth faces the sun, Nibiru’s gravity will suck all those mountains loose from the bottom of the ocean and shake them like a Jack Russell terrier with a snake in his mouth. But when night comes, boing! the mountains snap back down like they were on a rubber band. Six-hundred-foot tidal waves and 200 mph winds are going to be-be the least of our worries.
After a few weeks of this, Gordon says, Earth’s whole crust will come loose from the mantle until it’s just floating there on a giant orb of lava, sliding all over the place, making earthquakes and giant rocks shooting up in the air and mountains crumbling into the roiling seas.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, Nibiru passes over the north pole of Earth and slide the crust along like a towel over a bowling ball until the eastern tip of Brazil is the new north pole. The United States will be on the whole other side of the globe, about where China is, only upside-down.
As you might imagine, civilization will be very not on fleek at all after all that. But Gordon says once all the governments and countries and economies collapse, the unselfish extra-terrestrials will come and give “unspecified help” too unselfish survival communities.
So we’ve got that to look forward to.
If Jan. 1, 2017, arrives with our planet still intact, don’t think we’re out of the woods. A sizable minority of dissenters believe the approach velocity of Nibiru has been miscalculated, and Earth won’t get tattooed until next December.
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